


A Portrait of Pain

by cadkitten



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood Drinking, Canonical Character Death, Demon Blood Addiction, Demons, F/M, Incest, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Vaginal Sex, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-06 01:45:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A portrait of Sam's pain after Dean's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Portrait of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Pre-season 5.   
> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "Fade to Black" by Metallica

I lay here in this shithole of a hotel, a half empty bottle of Jack between my fingertips, dangling precariously over the edge of the bed. There are things that I will never forgive myself for, things I can never change. Some of them are worse sins than others, some of them are things God himself would never forgive me for. And some of them are almost superficial, and yet I cannot seem to get past them enough to even forgive something so trivial.

The bottle clinks to the floor, amber liquid sloshing inside it as I turn over on the mattress and reach for the pack of cigarettes on the night stand. Why the hell not? Maybe smoking will give me a faster road to where my precious Dean has gone. I rip open the package, clumsy and unskilled as I am. A few cigarettes fall to the floor and I leave them there, grasping one from within the package and reaching for his lighter, flicking it and lighting the end of the stick as I suck on it.

The action itself gives me pause, reminds me of so many dark nights where I lay on the bed for another reason entirely. I close my eyes and hold onto the memory, grasp it with the fragile straws of its existence. Those nights I felt the safest, right in his arms, our heartbeat becoming one as he labored over me. It was all glory and beauty, despite the darkness at the heart of it.

I breathe the smoke out and recall the first time it ever happened. We were so angry at one another and we’d finally reached the level of knock-down-drag-out fighting. His fist collided with my cheek and I toppled over backwards onto the bed. There wasn’t even a second of hesitation before he was on top of me. The single month I’d spent in wrestling back in high school hit me like a ton a bricks and I instantly wrapped my legs around him, trying to get the upper hand from below. The result brought me flush up against him and in that moment, I knew all the times I’d jokingly told him that he got off from the fights with demons, I hadn’t been wrong at all.

He was achingly hard, his cock rigid against my groin. And worse, my own hips canted up to meet his, pushing, exploring, a whimpered cry leaving my lips at the contact. Dean was always the one who got the girl... or guy. He always got to fuck and I got to sit around in the car, my cock hard and no one but myself to satisfy it. But that night... that night it was so much different from the usual.

I’m still not certain who made the call or who decided to take it to the next level. All I really know is that I ended up on my belly under him as he fucked me like no one else ever could. The way he breathed my name out in my ear, the way he labored over me like I was the only thing that mattered in the entire world right then... it was the most glorious thing on the Earth.

Afterward, we both knew what we’d done was beyond wrong. But neither of us could stop it, neither wanted to. The nights after that were spent together, the pair of us finding ecstasy in each other’s arms rather than anywhere else. And my favorites were the ones he let me take my time, let me explore every sinful inch of his body with my mouth and my hands. The nights I’d suck him until he’s scream and he’d return the favor as I drove him crazy a second time; the nights when sleep meant nothing and our bodies meant everything.

But it had all been too short lived. We’d only grown to realize our needs for one another within the confines of his last year on this God-forsaken planet. I still remember the last night of it, the moment he kissed me goodbye. He never said it, never outright told me, but I think he knew as well as I did that it would be the last time we’d ever feel one another in this way.

I roll over, tossing the cigarette into the ash tray and pull the bottle of Jack from the floor again, taking another long draw from it. Some things just make you want to curl up in the corner and die, and for certain that is exactly how I feel about it all.

There’s a knock on my door and I get up, going to open it with a sigh. I know who it is, I know for certain I’m going to bury myself in meaningless sex with the person on the other side. And when I pull it open and Ruby steps inside, I realize just how fucked up I am for doing this in the first place.

She’s on me almost instantly and I let her drag me to the bed, let her strip me of my clothing, and I let her work me into hardness with that devilishly skilled mouth of hers. When she slides over me, her tight heat pushing down on my cock, I don’t even open my eyes. I’m listless... broken. I’ve lost the will to give a damn about anything anymore and I’ve lost the will to fight whatever will come down on me. To be blunt, I’ve lost the will to live, and I’m on a suicide mission, straight from the demon’s mouth.

My body reacts where my mind does not, my hands grasping Ruby’s hips and thrusting up into her body until I find my end, a little strangled cry leaving my lips as I cum deep inside her. She works herself on me a few more times and follows over the edge, flopping to the side and just lying there, staring up at the ceiling. We don’t talk as she takes her blade and slits her wrist, pressing it to my mouth. And I don’t even flinch as the demon blood drips into my mouth. It’s a fucked up world that I live in, but it’s the path to where I need to go, and that’s all that matters. I can feel it changing everything that’s inside of me, feel the power sliding through my veins. And in that instant, I want more than I ever have to, quite simply, die. And I know that soon enough, my time will come, and then I can be alongside the love of my life. Because even the prospect of hell cannot hold a single flame to the ache inside my heart.

**The End**


End file.
